cd 3, cycle 17, rainy mon, warm heart

è interview went well, i really like what they are doing and i sincerely can join them, at least in é meanwhile… for many mths b4 i decide 2giv up ttc n return 2hell…

in anycase i gotta wait at least 3wks b4 i know if i can and when i can start work… patience… there r some screenings that gotta b done as this is a stat board related job. let me call é agency later n ask if é outcome is kiv or not successful…

i reach kk @10.18am for bt, 2certify my ivf failure n 2confirm that my no embryos r frozen…

overall results, 18 eggs, 12 mature, 9 fertilised, 3 developed, 6 did not develop as there was chromosone abnornal, 2 trf, last one stop growing…

i went rochor mkt 2shop 4some dry goods, in prep for cny, n also 2replacin è finishin dried scallops…

i m reachin hm soon… hope kk calls me aft i reach hm, at least if i can’t help but cry, i will b cryin @hm, alone n not in public.

2nite shall brg é leg massager 2mum, n choc for sis…

kk called n my hcg is 200+, i already stop insert on fri night… omg…
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è nurse manage 2get an urgent aptm 4me 2see doc @3.40pm, i saw dr jerry, managed 2get a progestrone jab, n duphaston 4 two weeks.. bt again on 25dec, xmas, hope it at least doubles…
actually dr jerry says no need 2repeat bt, juz cum back 2wk later 4scan.. but i think 2nd bt better since i m bleedin n my hcg is not very high too…

i m a bit guilty 4stoppin é insert on fri nite n not goin back for early bt, but throughout é last week even with é insert é discharge also change from brown to pink to red… in anycase do wat i can now n hope this turns out 2b a viable pregnancy. i went back 2 guanyin temple 2pray again aft 2nd kk visit, please let this be a viable pregnancy n healthy bb!!

cd2, cycle#17, 冬至 到了

n cny will follow. i was juz tellin him in è car as we were retirnin, let me survive cny n we talk about 人日. he had é impression 汤圆 is for 人日, n it leads me thinkin cny is round é corner…
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i took out é health check rpt, n will try go polyclinic smtim this week… sort out if é bad readings are still bad…

cd 1, cycle#17, as i said, keep get going!!

i brought è usual ttc helpers out again, sadly, but as required. keep movin, i may pay é amk tcm a visit, mayb she will say smthg wrong with my body n i dun even need 2go ivf any more!! but i think i may not do acunpucture… juz med…

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brunch w/bffs.. é little one is so cute… how i wish we have 1 too.. can only dream n wish…

while we were @west gate shoppin, sittin down at é amphitheatre with live signing, i m really very comfort i hav him with me, he is very at ease.. he doesn’t pressure me y é ivf results r so poor or why i canot conceive naturally while every1 else can.. he juz say if we really hav no kids then so be it. i kinda feel if i tried all i can, i hav nothing else 2regret…

send out 2boxes of é choc, 1 more for sis.

ivf#1, cycle 16, sm thoughts i will post aft 开奖

wat a sleep mon… today is job hunting n kl shoppin area planning… today is when é embryos turn 2blastocyst n wed is when blastocyst implant… i hav a dental aptm on wed noon, hope it wun affect è implantation if any…

if all is good fri is when blastocyst already implant n cont 2implant… we r takin off on fri, hope we have lots of fun…

so far 2days of insert is fine, my fren see blood 2wards é end, n it was dif 2insert… so 14days from now let’s see how…

even when i m havin a hard time findin a f/t job, i dun regret quittin 2ttc… i m more frugal now n i see more of myself… i muz try 2b a better person…

if this cycle fails, i will need 2pack my feelings n restart everythg.. i dun hav faith on that remainin one… so all over again – simulation, in btwn long q for scan 2track follicles, even longer q @pharmacy 4é very ex drugs… i gotta b workin @then.. so how? tahan lor..

sun 8 dec: i still hav sm very bad cramps… esp on left, i need 2pee more freq now…

mon 9 dec: heard on a tv programme tat 孩子是来帮我们修行的。。。 希望我们有这个缘分。。。

tue 10 dec: i wok up at 3am plus from a dream tat i was tested positive for hcg… my bladder was not holdin up well n i went to bathrm 2pee… n i think i had another dream tat we had triplets n 1 of the baby was like in a bad form of no skin….
i juz hope é positive hcg cum true.. i really hope 4a healthy bb in é year of horse!!

i still hav sm cramp, lik a pullin from center…

continue lookin n applying for jobs this morn, n saw one particular one lowly paid @a public instn quite attractive… so i sent my cv n sm1 called lik 30 mins later… in anycase still far from been hired.. i went down é agency n saw lik 1 big group of very young lookin people fillin up forms.. gosh 1 million yrs since i being 2such places… anyway i still need 2c if é orgn calls me for intv n if they r goin 2tak me in…

23 dec is very far away, it happens 2b é little one we luv bdae too, who knows if af starts b4 tat??? hope i can find smthg nice 2start 16dec… tak my mind off..

i have very weird stomach / gastric pains, lik recoverin from a bad stomachache…

at night as i finish din n bath, i feel my boobs r not so sore anymore n i hav this weird nausea.. è nausea usually comes with é bfn so far… sobz…

wed 11 dec: i wok up at 6am 2pee, n had a runnin nose while stayin awake… surf é web a bit… ask sis abt è online shoppin… aft he left for work i toss back in2 bed again…

it’s è long awaited aptm 2 fix lower right 2 teeth, it ckst me about sgd46, less than 10% of wat é weird dentist told me sgd4k + 6k… let me try 2tak good care of it… hoep it last

i read many blogs here n there on ivf… quite a bit of the blogs manage 2conceive a tak home baby happily in é end… i really hope è same happens to us this cycle.

i m havin cramps in arms n legs today… may b due 2è rainy weather… tml will b packin 4kl..

thur 12 dec: wok up @7am, try not go toilet 2pee n hoping i can go back 2sleep in till later… in é end i wok @8am, complete my morn ugestrone, cook noodles n cont job hunting… i muz say 23 dec is so so far…

was so bored @hm, so came to orc 2shop a bit… some cramp here n there n boobs less n less sore… headin hm @4.30pm, yawnz.. i m cravin 4cockles badly.. shall try 2have some @KL!

fri 13 dec: i really wok up 3.30am for KL!! never been happier 2be away…

super tired, weird pulls n cramp throughout morn n noon, rested @hotel ard 7till 8plus…

sun 15 dec: a ballpoint dot of red when i reach changi airport, more red streaks when i reach hm, gosh.. 8dp2dt! bless me.. tired today… i din see anymore of that red any more in sun. we finish sm unpackin n had din@85, followed by bedok mall…

mon 16 dec: wok up 4inserts ard 8.30am, packed orders n sent 2post ofc 4shippin.. bought brkfast n happiky tuck in… i actually called é agency 2follow up.. clap clap… but no news bah, she said will check n get back… more job huntin, yawnz..

i keep googling for streaks of blood 8dp2dt, implantation bleedin, also check other blogs i know of.. i think i m goin crazy n i m soo scared… nex week this tim 就开奖了… these blood can b an indicator for both ways… some cramp at sides at night…

sent many jobs application 2day… hope for good news soon…

tue 17 dec: somehow i feel lik goin out 4shoppin 2day… but shop tml will make more sense as dar dar can meet me aft tat… let’s see how…

i read a blog abt sm1 quitin 4ivf… é key word is canot differentiate one day from another… gosh… how true… i m so goin 2b depressed if it doesn’t work out this round.. sobz…

so tired of job hunting… yawnzz…

OH NO!! i cam back at 8.50pm n i see red!! omg!! i think i will see more red when i do my insert… all my effort, quit ft job, med down é drain… i m goin 2b so heartbroken… it’s 10dp2dt, 15d past hcg trigger… my frightenin toilet visits starts now…

comfort food… 2calm my nerves…
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i din see red aft tat, but i hav 2b brave 4wats comin…

wed 18 dec: i wok up w/fear to go toilet… indeed i saw more reddish brown discharge when i wipe aft pee n aft i did é insert… my heart sank… i thk i can cry é wkend away…

one more thing to make me even sadder, my boobs r totally not sore anymore…

called kk at about 11.40am, it’s 12dp2dt, too early 4bt.. so i hav 2monitor, n if bleedin continue to do down for bt this fri, 14dp2dt. good in a way, if it’s all bad news i can start fresh nex week.

é same discharge continues for é rest of é day, sobzz..

thur 19 dec: on my way 2é choc makin class now… hope it is fun n tak é ivf thing out of my mind, for now… i dreamt of intv w/hr of tat idiot bank… i was tellin them sm weird thgs… i wok really early lik 8am, b4 é alarm went off… continue my insert, i din see blood, but i mUz b prepared 4wat’s comin.. dun cry ok… cleaned é house with magic wiper.. time 2get buzy… n start spring cleanin b4 cny… n of course continue job hunting!

è class is fun, fruitful… lots of choc 2take hm… rush back 2prep 4é intv n repack n keep é choc in fridge…

tat intv is informative, i think it’s a good success story… i m not sure if i can survive this competitive n sales oriented role…. i told them i need to think about it, will get back by thurs…

i did é noon insert quickly n dash out 4é intv, when i check @112 katong, there was quite some blood n brown… i know it’s over, but i m still so sad… tml i hav another intv for a 9m contract job @changi biz park… é names of é interviewers gave me a perception of the profile there, dun have a strong feelin they will take me, but will still try, pilish my intv skills…

stat board intv move 2mon morn, good in a way, mayb go bt 2certify also… mayb full af by then… n my boobs r totally not sore anymore… sobzz.. sobzz.. junior n mei mei, hav u both really left?? i feel é usual af lower back ache already… sobzzz…

fri 20 dec: glad the alarm is set to wak me up at 8.20am… at least i dun oversleep n waste é morn away… the same reddish brown discharge continues… sadz… it’s a bit out of é way for me to go kk today.. so i think i will go on mon, aft é stat board intv bah…

é changi intv was ok… more lik they wanted to know abt me than to test if i m up to é job… i kinda think é role is very operational…

my noon insert was done quite late, n while i din see more blood on é liner, i see more pink blood as i wipe.. i m wondering if i should stop é insert then é full af will start? let’s see how it goes 2nite…

i decided 2stop insert 2nite, mayb af will start tml… hobbit is not very intg… meow…

sat 21 dec: i saw a strong red today, it marks é end of é very expensive heart breakin ivf process! i really hope i can get é stat board temp, be at it for at least 5mths!! n get to do ivf or bfp naturally!!

but again i feel no regrets.. i din hav 2lie @work for being late nor shrink away any work responsibility while i was at this. i also managed 2try 2set-up my own company, keep orders comin, see results from my promo durin this 3mth. next 3menses cycle will be adjustin back a normalise cycle, hopefully i get é chance to do a fresh n et in the 3rd or 4th menses from now! n bfp with it! i know what i dun like, n i m fortunate to choose to do wat i like!

i am very thankful i hav a very supportive dar dar, behind me support me no matter wat…

keep moving!

final timeline
18nov-2dec – stimulating med
3 dec – hcg trigger @11.30pm
5 dec – er
7 dec – et (2 grade 4, 5 cell embryos)
7-8 dec – medan (cancelled)
11 dec – dental aptm
13-15 dec – KL
16 dec – start work (din happen)
21 dec – af started
23 dec – blood test

she is feeling very lost…

on one hand, she is asking if it is wrong call 2quit a seemingly glam job for a failed iui n ivf, n now she feel she is not able 2find her way back… not sure which way as well…

on é otherhand, she believe she will be even more depressed 2stay on n see wats goin on n be even more deeply rooted 2a situation that she may not be able to get out when she turns 40ys…

i came 2guan yin temple 2day n pray for some guidance, to hav a good temp job so that i will b occupied till next ivf or perm job with good working conditions… n most importantly to have a healthy baby of our own!

i think in any case, i hav no regrets, i will only keep getting older, i rather i try all i can now then 2regret not trying harder when i was younger years later…

my heart is still at a loss, this fri is é earliest possible date to go kk for bt, tat will wrap up my weepy episode.

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just as i was seepin this latte away, sm1 called… it’s not for a financial related job, it’s for a sales job… anyway i guess i got a chance 4intv. i was totally honest with è person, n he was still open for me to go for é intv. at least i got smthg to do tml, choc class n intv!!

back 2ivf, i m still so scared to go toilet now…

i got a miss call from é agent while walkin around waitin for him… finally he reach n we had din @kfc, i actually teared when i talk 2him about é kk bt, about how sad… he said there is nothing we can do, go 4é nex visit n see wat é doc says… at least we tried all we can now. but he feel i should go back 2work 2keep my mind occupied. go find smthg i like to do. failing ivf is not è end of é world or some1 dying… he said it’s ok we should try again, but i have to suffer all é pain… i dun mind all é pain n nonsense.. but i feel so heartbroken 2fail é cycle…

actually i agree, i also really feel that i should go back 2work too, to keep my mind occupied, but hopefully smthg i like or smthg flexible…

i really luv him so much, hope we can a baby of our own n bring more joy in2 our lives!

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~~wat a memorable kfc dinner~~

i still dun regret quittin till this moment, é unseen stress of working with é team there would make me sit in depression by now…

my objective is to put down everythg n try for a bb now, at least when we have been there n tried all we can. so whatever happens aft this, i juz have to suck it up, as life always happen!!

juz as we brave é rain 2go back 2è car, i saw my phn blinkin in silent mode n it was è lady from è agency… i hav an intv later this week from é stat board… hope i hav some luck to get something i can stay for a long while…

KL wkend getaway…

cash expenses – myr 880
air tickets – sgd 150
hotel room – sgd 190
total – sgd 700

it’s almost all paid by dar dar… opps..
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the day we arrived was quite ok, but i got really sleepy by noon.. è walk 2é monorail stn was far.. coz we missed é 1st stn. é monorail looks like a baby caterpilar. drop é luggage at hotel n walk 2é isetan food street nex door, had a very ex penang char quay tiao.. walk further n came across a strech of coffee shop. ordered prawn mee n wantan mee, hot n ice kopi.. totally delicious n not ex.
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walk around é bukit bintang area, end up @times sq n got a pair of slippers 2replace his torn sandles. i was really sleepy @times sq already. so when we check in2 è hotel, i rest for a while, bath, wash hair, did é med insert n set off 2pavilion mall in a very heavy rain… great place, very high end, with one of é only 2 kl padini concept shop. shop @brands outlet juz nex 2our hotel, he bought 2polo tees, great buys!
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back 2hotel 2offload our buys, napped for a while n off 2jalan alor 4din!! supper happening, crowded, many thgs goin all… we settled for a restaurant recommended by someone in tripadvisor.. é food was not bad, not cheap though.. i was already cravin 4cockles b4 i set off, n i m so glad i manage 2eat it in jalan alor, n smore it’s de-shelled! overall very happy trip there, lots 2see n eat!
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we made our way back 2hotel, finish é lavendar macroons, mini pan cake n crash in2 bed!

on sat morn, we set off 2sunway pyramid shoppin mall, é taxi fare is myr50, é driver is a chinese… very pretty mall.. i gave é 2little ones a promise, hope they survive well n arrive safely healthily.. mummy will psyco daddy 2fufill é promise asap… i shopped @é long awaited jelly bunny, bought 1 pair of shoes n 2pouch. there is a promo, 25% off for purchase of 3items n above. dar dar also had a great time shoppin @brands outlet, 2more polo tee!
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msia kenny rogers muffin comes in flavours!
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nex is bookin a taxi @é taxi counter 2mid valley mega mall! i luv how organise this place is!! we spotted a display indicatin expected shuttle bus timin 2é lrt station, took a photo, check é map, realised it actually leads a lrt stn near jalan petaling.

this older mall is juz as great, consistent theme xmas deco, many shops n good air con. but é ladies r crowded, q, squad pan only n dirty… we ventured 2a new high end extension, very clean n not crowded toilets… b4 we left, there was this musical performance in celebration of xmas n real paper snow.

jus as we found è way 2é right exit 4é shuttle bus, we saw a line of people boardin è shuttle bus, kinda rush 2wards it n hop on aft confirmin w/é driver tat it goes 2é lrt stn. the bus stopped @a few places b4 hittin è lrt stn. we really ended up takin lrt n walkin 2chinatown!

walked a bit, had food again at a roadside stall, bbq fish n chicken claypot  rice. there is literally nothin 2shop here… we head back 2hotel, w/original plan of headin out 4drks @bukit bintang.. i kinda dozed off n he juz sat around waitin.. in é end decided not to go, as it was late…

we took turn 2bath, watch tv n crash into bed again…

nex morn is juz walkin 2cfe shop 4brkfast again, yumzz… swing by lot 10, saw a set up 4xmas cookie house deco set-up, lovely ladies @work…
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back 2brands outlet, 2more shirt, n rush back 2hotel coz i had a stomach ache!! kinda happy coz i had constipation for like 3days..

check out from hotel, went back 2lot 10, walk up 2é monorail stn, cross é man-made metal bridge, took é monorail 2kl sentral… finally know where is é kl sentral monorail stn…

luv this getaway, can’t wait 2cum back soon…

cd 23, cycle 16, bummin around sun

i wok up @10am today… 2my surprise i saw sms tat flight from medan is cancelled… omg! if i m there sure b panickin big tim coz i wun hav enough inserts…

was plannin 2meet sis @orc, but then she subq said she will go at night w/her folks. so i continue eatin my noodles as i was really hungry n i wanted 2clear è food in è fridge too… i packed è 2 bottles of syringe away, é end of jabbin for a while since even if this round fail nex fresh is very far away… at least 4mths as i believe we should at least keep each fresh cycle 3 menses away. i read more on è embryo cells growth, blastocyst, implant etc… i guess grade 4 embryos also fail in ivf.. so look 4ward to 23dec bah, or if menses start b4 tat… although i know chances r 30% only, but if we hav a successful pregnancy n healthy baby, there r a lot of activities we can do / plan with this baby n brg more joy 2é folks, both sides…

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grapevine from é drive 2folks hm last nite:
while on è way hm, fil was grumblin abt nx week when we r not around they will hav a hard time goin 2é 小蕃薯 1st bdae, n say dar dar nt around he very jialat..

also complain how late they were last fri 4é philip morris party coz mil wanted 2open è shop till later… but mil retorted sayin it’s coz fil cam down 2shop late… one more thing, i felt è timin they went 2è party is quite good, juz nice a bit of reception b4 din starts…

dar dar was very pissed i guessed.. he said dun know y we canot dun go.. children bdae y muz celebrate with such a big fuss mak so many people buzy.. y é folks canot tak taxi on their own… he dun understand their thinkin.. haha.. i m so happy, quietly!! he really listens 2wat i say… mil also said dun she 不值 tat his bro originally ask them to close shop tat whole sat 4his precious one bdae… basically if u wan 2arrange smthg 4ur precious son, dun imolocate other people, we r not ur tools. happy 2help once twice dun mean we r there 4u to command, i m so tired of these sit down gatherin with his drama family.. esp tat ah yi… btw y r we inviting his ah yi whole family n not our gugu n ah sim neh? pui!

also last night i ask him what he will say when he giv è angpao 2tat little one for his bdae, he say 快高张大 to 大蕃薯!! so funny!!

it was very rainy today… we were @hm most of è time, till 6pm-ish, we drove out 2get é parts 4his folks hm wc. had a quick din @é nearby cfeshop, ordered western food. now back é folks place 2repair é wc..

i guess it’s part of marriage n being together, that smtimes i feel very blessed, smtimes very 委屈, smtimes pissed off n have sm very tired moments too… like on this rainy day, we juz snuggle @hm, lik 2lazy piggies… totally bliss!