31dec, wraps a yr with many battle marks…

here we r sittin @mbs outdoor waitin 4fireworks.. 1.5hr to go…

i called agent 2 to confirm if the prospect was confirm, too bad it’s not. let’s see how on thurs when workin day resumes… n continue more job hunt too…

é kk ivf bill came, it was sgd 9,539.87, we had 2pay abt sgd1.8k from medisave each.. ouch..

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nice fireworks, awesome just to stand n watch despite many obstructions.. crowded way back 2è car, but it was still ok… managed n not too pack mrt trains… i only hav simple wishes, everyone around me stay well n our healthy baby…

supper @our usual prata shop near mum’s hm is nice! but it was surprisingly crowded, mayb every one is hungry aft é countdown celebrations…

good nite, 2014 muz b greater!!

back 2kk for bt (last for this round of fresh?)

i called again this morn 2confirm if i should juz stop é duphastin since af full flow started… è nurse said no need 2do another bt 2confirm no etopic pregnacy, n it can be done @24h o&g only…

i arrived @é 24h clinic n é clinic nurse called kk ivf, in é end i did é bt @kk ivf n no need 2see doc. great as well so that dun need 2travel to n fro. this nurse is such a veterant, she can draw é blood juz lik this n not much pain.. i think it’s very slack there as most nurses r chit chattin with patients or each other… i think this nurse is é same one as é one tat called me last mon…

now i m headin to dohby gaut 4haircut.. to use é deal i bought over wkend… hungry n grab this on é way, been many yrs since i last had this.

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é nurse will call n i shall keep é duphaston away n close this chapter.

agent 1 called this morn for two temp prospects, agent 2 called shortly after 2check out my current status. agent 2 called again while.i was registerin @24h o&g, had 1 prospect, i felt it was ok 2try n hope i get a f/t stint soon…

i wan a f/t job, perm or temp 3-5m, i wan a f/t job 2start asap, i hope 2get é stat board related job!

i can indeed pack my duphaston as é nurse certify hcg drop 2below 10 (via voice mail). meow~~~~

more bummin on sun as usual, blah…

same thgs happen as every wkend.. i wak up 1st, watch endless tv, he wakes, roll on sofa…

but from sat (yesterday)onwards, i decided to start cherishin life more, if there is smthg i wan 2do, i will start work on it rightaway… i have been wantin 2watch è movie wat 2expect when u r expecting, he got it for me è same time as i mention 2him casually, but i took 4ever 2pick up n watch it. so this sun morn, i juz turn on, pay full attentñ coz it’s totally worth it.

continue with sm hk drama n start a bit on malay learning.

he left for a ex-clg weddin din ard 7.. i went tm juz b4 8pm 2shop 4an eye cream, groceries n dinner. è eye cream is really nice. should talk about it in a separate entry.
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my af started, real red n clots. it soak 1/2 of a day pad in é mrt journey 2tm… i dread 2call kkivf again 2check if i should stop duphaston. as i was commutin via train, i surf 4more misc thgs 2read. cam across a very meaningful blog n m still readin it right now. é very strong lady, she was doin ivf in yr 2011, b4 all é new co-pay incentive in yr 2013, i shall try 2finish readin 2night. smthg strike me, this is wat i truly believe. this quest 4bb made our marriage stronger, it will continue to. i din wan a bb so tat i can 4get abt dar dar n circle my live around bb. i wan a bb 2brg more joy n laughter 2our lives, our folks, 2raise bb 2gether, 2discuss wat 2do when junior is not well or not behaving…

let’s look forward to nx visit w/dr tan…

one day when everythg is over, i will share on forum on y one should not give up lik me, 2avoid guilt n regrets in moment of weakness. u nv know wat will happen. i know my watsapp group frens r strong n they wun give up till aft bt…

What had kept me going was the belief that things happen for a reason, and that everything had its time and place. I don’t know why they have to go through these trials and tribulations but I believe that they will get their happily ever after.

I just know it.

let me focus on é thgs i wan 2do now n start in the nex few days, a new f/t job, hopefully @é stat board related one, temp or perm, it will happen, it happen, it will happen, it will happen!

as è new yr crawls nearer…

i was havin a lot of bad emotions last nite, i actually teared in é car as we were reachin hm, i m guilty for not goin 4bt earlier, n gettin more support… dar dar said even if i gone earlier é outcome will b é same… i should find smthg 2do n not keep thinkin abt it n we should try again! he also felt sad on xmas day but he got over it è nex day when he went back 2work as he felt it is not a very big thing… we r better off than a lot of people, tat’s so true.

at least i got him rootin 4me to go through ivf, try tcm n many other silly thgs together… quittin n bummin around @hm…

let me try 2step out of this sticky hole n start afresh. findin smthg 2keep me occupied will b good. 1st 2get at least a contract 3-6m job, keep me occupied b4 é nex fresh cycle… a perm job i like would b fine too. my dream would still b é stat board related job, hopefully i can b converted 2perm in 5mths….. dream on….i m tryin 2visualise this…

this sat morn, i wok up ard 10am.. did my stuff n bum around more… i m goin 2dig him up from his bed 2go try é prawn soup noodle or ba chor he hav been tellin me, n mayb 2compass point 2check out a shop.

a rather quiet day, we juz visited dif places 4makan, check out é cupcake stands, more hawker food n post xmas sale shoppin..

tml will b quiet day 2spent @hm. mayb i should start my bahasar malayu self learnin tml morn onwards… n of course continue job hunting…

mon i may b visitin è southern ridge walkin trail with sm home made bites n plain water 2eat on è way… 2pass time, exercise n hopefully 2b able 2sleep earlier n better…

wed n thurs mayb i will go sm mkt 2source 4good food find…

on xmas day, very sad news…

é hcg dropped… so game over…

i will call kk ivf again tml morn 2confirm even with é bleedin stoppin, is è hcg drop still é ultimate finale n is é nx aptm w/dr tan hh. n also 2reply 2è sales job i m not for it.

in summary, i feel this mayb a weak pregnancy at è start, which explains é brown red discharge n bleedin from 11dp2dt onwards, even when é utrogestone r administered timely. n me stoppin é inserts on fri nite n not goin 4early bt 2get additional support, walkin all over on sat made it worst n did not help to save this weak pregnancy… b4 nex cycle, i will do watever i can to improve embryo survival rate, n hopefully we hav better embryo results. 这个孩子 (们)可能只是借我们过路, 我们的子孙缘会再下一次实现。

i will still tell dar dar when he wakes up how i feel, hope he understands n walk hand in hand with me 2nex cycle… n also hope we can bfp naturally even b4 é nex fresh…

i m still very sad over é loss, but i promise i will do better nex time…

lookin back, è lightening of é hpt double line, è slower response of è hpt indeed show smthg… é nurse who did é registration for me is really nice.. not only did she help me sort out é hcg test, she also help 2arrange 4me 2review é results w/é duty doc n at subz rate even when it’s on xmas day. n é o&g nurse not callin back in 2hrs time also tells wat happening… juz as wat my hunch feelin told me…

more kiv continues…

i wok up @9am, checked é bleedin cautiously, it’s was not a lot n i did hpt again…

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throwback last nite, when dar dar came back, he told me all about é yam paste n new steamboat place.. é intg thg is he dun lik steamboat, but he knows i m lookin 4ala carte steamboat 2go (draggin) w/him..

as he was changin, he ask abt é bt, told i told him all about é bt, how i went back 2kk n è blur doc explain é results of é embryos, then i ask so i m not pregnant lar by é readin, is it?? then tat very cute doc said huh n check é bt rpt… aft he saw è rpt he said oh, so u are pregnant.. he ask me abt how è bleedin started etc… so in é end i got a progestrone jab, duphaston 2tak orally.. he said that’s é max support kk can giv for now… rest more n cum back 4scan 2wks later…

è nurse who did é progestrone jab 4me told me it will hurt more over nex few days… she did on alternate thigh for herself.. she look very pregnant n she did é prog injectñ btwn 2thigh aft her aminion fluid test.. she’s 42ys n 2nd baby… i m so happy for her!

i m still goin 4é bt on xmas, n hopefully hcg grew n more than doubled… n i will call back n ask if kk can giv me 1more jab… i really bled a lot esp mon…

多痛我都不怕, 只希望成功生健康的宝宝(s)。。。

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throughout tues i bled more… fresh red, sticky n liquid… n tightenin cramps, pinchin pain at center n sides at intervals throughout è day… it kinda ease aft din, at night juz b4 we turn in, almost not much red-ish discharge..

we din do anythg much on xmas eve, i told him i canot go to places that require a lot of standin or walkin coz of my cramps… so we went 4steamboat, aft tryin at 2locations, both closed, we drove 2bugis n pick one of é steamboat eateries n dug in! it’s totally yummy but very err too… it cost sgd 44, we thought it’s quite a good price…
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out of curiosty, we took é new dtl to bayfront, mbs mall, walk a bit, sat down 2finish a bottle drink n 2rest a bit aft my insert…
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drivin hm, he ask why there is bleedin… i explained a bit, n one of é reasons could be coz it’s twins.. he was quite worried if it’s indeed twins, i kinda feel he rather lose anythg but me..

**so sweet**